Had a nasty experience today when my wife Alka, our daughter Vasudha and I went downstairs to the building’s compound. There’s a small group of children who on a daily basis had been visiting our house to insist that Alka bring Vasudha downstairs to play with them. Vasudha too has become so friendly with the kids that she starts shouting their names as soon as she sees them, laughing and clapping. Alka often used to treat them with sweets and chocolates, and they even used to bring along their friends so that they could too get sweets and chocolates. Alka was more than happy to oblige as she loves distributing eatables to kids.
As usual, today when we went downstairs, Vasudha saw the kids and ran towards them with great joy, screaming each kid’s name. None of them acknowledged her. They snubbed her, they pushed her aside, they tried to ignore her, the ones who were just walking around started walking fast so that she would be left behind, and made faces at her when she caught up with them. I was simply too shocked to react (despite the fact I have Lord of Flies 
), but Alka confronted one of them when she tried to push Vasudha down a small concrete platform. It wasn’t as much shocking to Alka as she often goes through such behavior (not with the same kids, but other kids and other people), but she had really grown to like those kids.
Whenever Alka talked about such incidents it was hard for me to believe because I don’t think on those terms, and I’m rarely exposed to people’s capriciousness because I rarely go out, and whenever I go out, I’m too busy with myself, with Alka and with Vasudha.
We are not designer parents and Vasudha is not a “designer” kid. If you are wondering what I mean by designer kids and parents then these are specimens you see around who don’t visit even the toilet without getting properly dressed up and without a snobbish air about them. Most of the time when they are outdoors, they are participating in some surrealistic fashion parade. The kids don’t get dirty and they avoid games (rigorously directed by their ever-vigilant mothers) that can spoil the way they look.
Due to her attitude and disposition Vasudha could easily be one of the most pleasant looking kids around, but we are not very cautious about how we dress her and groom her when she goes down, simply because when she wants to go down, she wants to go down now and she doesn’t want to waste her time getting properly groomed. And anyway, most of the times the moment she goes downstairs, the first thing she does is jump in the mud so even the most “propah” clothes turn into street-children-ensamble. Alka believes in letting her explore things on her own and so she never stops Vasudha from getting dirty or going to places (as long as the place is safe) the other kids are not allowed. Consequently, even Alka doesn’t get enough time to take care of how she looks. Add to this my general indifference towards what I’m wearing (no, I don’t go out in my under-garments, if that’s what you’re thinking — I’m talking more in terms of the Khushwant Singh style), and we become so not designer family. I’m sure people around here think we are the less privileged ones and somehow manage to live here, and hence the strange attitude.
If you think I’m saying this merely because the kids act in a strange manner, this is not so. Even the grown ups behave strangely. One day, they are all pally and conversant, and the next day they give you a look of “how dare you cross my path?”. Most of the time they pass by haughtily even if you smile at them, and then, when they need something, they become all docile, civil and loving (Alka says it’s the typical Punjabi behavior, and being Punjabi, I grow defensive). There was a time when we were a family the people around here pretended as if we didn’t exist amidst them, and then, when it was revealed that our daughter goes to Mother’s Pride (a bit expensive pre-school according to standards here) almost every neighborhood aunty started talking to Alka. The behavior also goes through a transformation when she is wearing a bit “mod-looking” clothes.
There’s an upper-middle-aged guy who lives upstairs. During the past 2 years, it was for the first time he talked to Vasudha (she’s been saying ‘Hello’ to him but he always maintains a forbidding silence). She was holding a big dahlia flower that we had purchased for her from the market. He sternly asked, “Have you broken this flower from the compound’s garden?” Alka politely said, “Vasu, tell uncle that we have purchased it from the market.” I wish I had been there; I would have given him a proper reply. I was thinking, all this time you haven’t got a single pleasant thing to say to a child, and you belch out something unpleasant the moment you get a chance.
Since yesterday (I started writing this post yesterday) I’ve been thinking how to prepare Vasudha for a world full of biases, conceit and rejections. The world was not this hostile and competitive when we grew up (well, I guess every generation has this sort of opinion). Yesterday, the signs of rejection, even for a few moments, were visible upon her, and that was nightmarish, and if I can help it, that was her last such experience, but I know that is not going to happen. She’ll have to grow up in this society and learn to survive and keep her head high. So what can we do as parents?
Of course we cannot shield her from every rock life throws at her; she’ll need to learn to duck, resist, absorb and strike back on her own. But we can certainly help her nurture her true potential. We can give her the values so that she develops an inner strength rather than depending on external appearances to feel worthy and wanted. We can be parents she can feel proud of and consider worth emulating. How are you preparing your child?
